Not “here” anymore, not “there” yet
…but I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship. –Louisa May Alcott
Living in the in-between. I’ve left Central New York, but I’m not yet in the Czech Republic. I’ve been a week in NYC visiting my daughter, her fiancé, and their happy, bouncy puppy. I’m meeting with my agent, and a couple of editors; checking in before moving away.
So I’m gone, but not exactly. After months of purging, packing, and getting my house ready to sell; training my replacement at the farm; and saying a lot of “goodbyes”; this has a been a week with room in it to think. And that has been great. My daughter and a dear friend have cautioned me not to fill up time in my new place with too many jobs. I have a tendency to do this, I have been told. The Czech visa office will likely have strong opinions on my employment so this may be an easy admonition to follow. But it still may be hard. It turns out that I am one of those people who defines herself by what she does for a living. Writer, farmhand, bookseller. And some of that isn’t true anymore.
I’m not a bookseller. I’ve been one on and off for the better part of thirty-five years. My urge to find just the right book for a customer—especially kids—what will I do with that?
I didn’t have room in my luggage for my Carhartt jacket—my every-day-wear-on-the-farm jacket. It’s more me than any other item of clothing I own. But I’ve left the farm and I’m unlikely to need such a garment living in a big city. Because after twenty-two years, I’m no longer a farmhand. Then who exactly am I?
I’m still a writer. The deadline I needed to fulfill this week attests to this. The meetings with my agent and editors reinforces that. I have books coming out. Books to support with social media attention. Books to finish. Books to begin. So yes, still a writer.
I’m not a teacher of English as a foreign language yet. I’ll be a student first. But I’m not one of those yet either. One month of intensive classes and then I’ll be certified. And then I’ll be what? An American who happens to be a writer living and teaching in Prague figuring out the language, the culture, my new city… myself? Sounds about right.
This past week I’ve been trying to stay in this slightly uncomfortable moment and then in the next, and the next. Trying to stay aware and engaged in this threshold time. Not wishing this time away to get to the next thing. I’ve been successful and then not, rolling in, rolling out, a bit like the tides.
I’ll be here. I’ll be there. I’ll be over on social media. I’ll share my confusions and clarities of the new places. I promise some pretty pictures. On this page you can find me. Because this is Ellen Czechs It Out, not Ellen Checks Out.
Ellen Czechs It Out 